Validation is essential for everybody. It is to feel accepted and understood. It’s typical to wish to receive validation from others – caregivers, spouses, boss, friends but a few pursue external validation to a degree that becomes unhealthy. Depending on external validation can leave us feeling anxious or depressed. We can’t count on others to make us feel good. When we do so, we let them dictate our worth. We stop trusting our own thoughts, feelings, and judgments. Instead, we can learn to try to validate ourselves. External validation should be in addition to self-validation, not in place of it.
Self-validation is accepting your own internal experience, thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t imply that you believe your thoughts or feelings are justified. It’s very common that you will find yourself having thoughts that take you by surprise or that it doesn’t reflect your values. You will also experience feelings that you know aren’t justified. If we try to fight the thoughts and feelings or judge ourselves for having them, then we magnify our emotional reactivity (you feel more upset). It’s also an opportunity to gather necessary fundamental information about who you are. Validating your thoughts and emotions will help you feel calm and manage them more effectively. This would lead to a stronger identity and better strategies to cope with intense emotions. It also helps you gain wisdom.
Marsha Linehan defined six levels of validation.
1. Be Present – to be mindful of your emotions without pushing them away.
2. Accurate Reflection – acknowledging your internal state to yourself and labelling it accurately.
3. Guessing – sometimes you won’t be sure what you are feeling or thinking. In these situations, you may want to say something like, “If someone else were in this situation, they would probably feel sad. Am I sad?” You might also guess by observing the actions you feel like doing. You can pay attention to where your body is feeling sensations. Guessing your emotions and thoughts based on the knowledge you already have will make you learn more about yourself.
4. Validating by History – sometimes you will have thoughts and feelings that are based on events that have occurred in your past.
5. Normalizing – check whether what you are feeling is what most other people would experience, and validate those feelings as normal, even if you don’t like experiencing them.
6. Radical Genuineness – being your real self and not lying to yourself.
An important distinction is that who you are is different from what you do. You are not your behaviour.
Steps for validating yourself:
1) Notice how you feel and what you need.
Example: I feel angry. I need time alone.
2) Accept your feelings and needs without judgment.
Example: It’s okay to feel angry. Anyone would feel angry in this situation.
3) Don’t over-identify with your feelings.
We want to accept our feelings and also remember that they don’t define us. Our feelings are temporary – they come and go and don’t define us.
4) Practice is an important part of learning self-validation.
Self-care tips –
- Treat yourself like a friend
- Give yourself the love you deserve
- Increase self-awareness
- Celebrate your accomplishments
- Read inspirational books or articles
- Surround yourself with positive people
- Practice self-care
- Avoid self-pity talk
- Practice kindness.
– Urveez Kakalia and Dhara Mehta.