Codependency refers to a mental, emotional, physical, and/or spiritual reliance on a partner, friend, or family member. It influences one’s capability to attain a healthy, fulfilling relationship. It is also called “relationship addiction” since individuals with codependency often develop or sustain relationships that are lopsided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. It is a learned behavior by observing and modelling family members who demonstrate such behavior.
“The term was originally coined in the 1950s in the context of Alcoholics Anonymous to support partners of individuals who abused substances, and who were entwined in the toxic lives of those they cared for,” says Dr. Renee Exelbert.
This still holds true – but now, codependency comprises a wider spectrum.
It is not a clinical diagnosis. It involves characteristics of attachment style patterns formed in early childhood, and can also coincide with personality disorders, including dependent personality disorder.
According to a 2018 research review, patterns of codependent behavior generally displayed four themes :
- self-sacrifice
- a tendency to focus on others
- a need for control, which may result in conflict
- difficulty in recognizing and expressing emotions
These themes can project across several types of relationships, even in the way you relate to yourself.
Causes
Codependency was initially considered as a disorder that impacted the children and spouses of alcoholics and substance abusers. Research has shown that codependency is not specific to the children (or spouses) of alcoholics, though, as many types of family difficulties can lead to codependency (Cullen & Carr, 1999).
Codependent behaviors are, for the most part, rooted in childhood relationships with your primary caregivers (typically the parents). Children may have learnt that their own needs were of less importance than their parents’ or of no importance at all. Consequently, the child learns to dismiss their own needs and focus solely on what they can do for others all the time.
In such circumstances, one of the parents may have an addiction problem with alcohol or drugs or immaturity and stunted emotional development. These situations lead to gaps in emotional development in the child, causing them to seek out codependent relationships later in their life.
Codependency may also result from living with a mentally or physically chronically ill family member. Being assigned the role of the caregiver, especially at a young age, may lead to them neglecting their own needs and making a habit of only helping others.
Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse can cause psychological problems. A child or teenager who is abused would cope by repressing their feelings as a defense mechanism against the pain of abuse. As an adult, this learned behavior would lead to caring only about another’s feelings and not recognizing their own needs. Seldom they will seek out abusive relationships later since they are only familiar with this kind of relationship. This often manifests in codependent relationships.
Characteristics of Codependent People
They have low self-esteem and look for anything externally to make them feel better. They have difficulty “being themselves.” Few try to cope through alcohol, drugs or nicotine – and become addicted. Others may form compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity. They would strive to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but it would eventually become compulsive. They most often take on a martyr’s role.
“Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as ‘the giver,’ feels worthless unless they are needed by – and making sacrifices for – the enabler, otherwise known as ‘the taker.’
— DR. EXELBERG
- An inflated sense of responsibility for others’ actions.
- A tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
- A tendency to do more than their part.
- A tendency to feel hurt when people don’t acknowledge their efforts.
- Willingness to do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
- A need for approval from others.
- Feeling guilty when they’re being assertive.
- An extreme need to control others.
- Lack of trust in self and/or others.
- Difficulty recognizing feelings.
- Difficulty adjusting to change.
- Difficulty with intimacy and/or boundaries
- Chronic anger.
- Lying/dishonesty.
- Poor communication skills.
- Difficulty making decisions.
Treatment
As codependency generally originates in a person’s childhood, treatment often consists of exploration into early childhood problems and their relationship to the present destructive behavioral patterns. It involves rediscovering themselves and identifying self-defeating behavior patterns. It also focuses on helping patients get in touch with feelings that may have been repressed during childhood and on remaking family dynamics. The objective is to enable them to experience their full range of feelings again. The initial step in diminishing codependent tendencies is to focus on self-awareness.
Once you’re on that journey, try your best to do the following:
1. Learn to have kinder and gentler self-talk; resist the need to self-criticize.
2. Take small measures towards some separation in the relationship.
3. Try activities outside of the relationship and invest in new friendships. Prioritize figuring out things that make you who you are and then develop upon them.
4. When tempted to think or worry about someone else, actively change your focus inward and be kind to yourself along the way.
5. Stand up for yourself if someone criticizes, undermines, or tries to control you.
6. Don’t be scared to say “no” to someone when you don’t really want to do something.
Codependency is a learned behavior. Therefore, it’s possible to unlearn these traits causing you distress and impacting your relationships and well-being.
Left unattended, codependency can lead to:
1. feelings of anxiety or depression
2. feelings of emptiness
3. a general sense of helplessness
4. low self-esteem
5. hopelessness
6. burnout
Having a lack of clarity about who you are can also prevent you from indulging in fulfilling friendships and relationships, ending up making you feel lonely.
A mental health professional can provide support with:
1. Recognizing central signs of codependency
2. Overcoming people-pleasing tendencies
3. Addressing other mental health-related symptoms, including feelings of guilt, anxiety, or depression
4. Reconnecting with your sense of self
5. Establishing healthy boundaries.
– Urveez Kakalia and Dhara Mehta.