It is a universally established fact that the human species are socially interdependent on each other. Every one of us desires social approval, some amount of consideration and minimal care. The multiple attachments, as well as connections we form, should be healthy where each individual is respected and treated appropriately. However, there are instances where some relationships move towards the direction of toxicity which poisons the victim’s psychological sanity over time. A Trauma bond is one such scenario where the need to maintain the toxic bond on the part of the victim reaches a level where the pattern of emotional abuse by the abuser is constantly repeated in a cycle. Trauma bonding can be understood as a deep emotional attachment consisting of sympathy and affection that a person develops for the abuser as a result of a series of extremely pleasant as well as unpleasant experiences. The intensity of the response patterns on the part of the abuser is on the opposite ends of a continuum. They either shower their partner with fascinating surprises and plenty of attention or mistreat them with unnecessary neglect and disrespectful insults. It has also been examined in research that relationship commitment of individuals not only depends on satisfaction in a relationship but the quality of alternatives and investments did as well, such that higher levels of relationship satisfaction and investment size and lower levels of quality of alternatives led to an increased level of commitment to the relationship. (Rhatigan and Axsom 2006). This molds into one of the sole reasons for the continuity of traumatic relationships and bonds. According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, these attachments are also known as betrayal bonds and can take place between any social connection.
There are some significant signs of trauma bond that are recognizable. These may include the victim indulging in self-blame where he or she believes it is their fault. They often presume they are lucky to even have a person who accepts them despite their flaws. Another noteworthy sign is where the sufferer justifies the perpetrator’s actions and behaviours and regards them absolutely appropriate. The most harmful sign is where an abused person distances oneself from their friends and family members which leads to them becoming isolated and constantly relying on the abuser. They also feel emotionally threatened when someone attempts to end the traumatic relationship. Instead of ignoring, these signs should be taken into consideration and actions need to be taken immediately to break such bonds.
The development of trauma bonding takes place slowly and gradually in the form of the following seven stages:
1. Shower of love: The initial period can be characterized by extreme love and care where one feels valuable and affections start to build.
2. Trust and dependency: They enact their behaviour in such a way that lets the victim believe them and become highly dependent on their validation.
3. Criticism: The blaming and demeaning of the victim starts from the third stage which makes them feel inferior.
4. Gaslighting: The abuser constructs their responses in a way to manipulate in their relationship that makes the victim doubt themselves and feel guilty.
5. Losing control: The victim eventually by this stage becomes confused about their own beliefs and submits before the abuser because of the expectations of the same love and flattery that they once received.
6. Loss of self-identity: The victim loses their individuality and confidence and in order to maintain peace with their partner, they settle with any unfair situation.
7. Addiction: In the last stage, the victim has more or less established a trauma bond towards the abuser wherein he or she is accustomed to and waits for the highs (pleasurable emotional experiences) after the lows (unpleasant emotional experiences).
There are certain specific causes for the occurrence of trauma bonding. One of the factors is the degree of emotional attachment that a child has towards their caregiver who is an abuser or an abused person has so strongly interconnected with their sense of self, that detaching themselves from the abuser is very challenging. The growth of their affection exceeds their reasoning power. Another motivation that contributes to the maintenance of the toxic bond is the level of dependency formed. The victim is often highly dependent on the presence of the perpetrator in their life especially if they are the sole source of their mental support. This usually happens when young children highly rely on an abusive parent as they believe no one else would take their responsibility socially or financially. The most important root cause however is the behavioural responses of the aggressor that acts as a reinforcement. The intermittent administration of promising affection, unhealthy sarcastic taunts, special confessions of love, verbal abuses, surprise gifts, neglect and massive expression of efforts for the victim can leave the person feel suddenly elated and as a result, they develop a tendency to believe that series of sufferings might welcome euphoria. It was also researched and observed that any strong emotional bond forms as a result of counterbalancing both abuse and positive behaviours. (Dutton & Painter, 1981). Hence, in this way, a cycle is established which occurs repeatedly and ends up making the victim habituated. Lastly, an underrated cause is also the characteristics of the sufferer which plays a significant role. It has been reviewed that lack of personal resources that includes personality traits, level of self-efficacy, problem-solving skills and passivity can act as a barrier in any challenging situation, especially in toxic relationships. Thus, this contributes to more emotional dependency. (Choice and Lamke, 1997).
In order to break free from a bond that is toxic, traumatic and destructive, one needs to follow several steps and take active actions towards the process of healing. One of the ways is to focus their attention on the evidence that proves they are being maltreated. The victim in such a circumstance requires to attempt to look at the present-day situation of misbehaviour instead of falling into the cycle of future expectations of positive behaviour. Another way to manage feelings of inferiority and self-blame is to encourage the sufferer to practice positive self-talk before the mirror to improve their self-esteem and belief that they are good enough. This helps in reminding the victim of their qualities as an individual which makes them complete. Self-care is another method that assists one to come out of the cycle of negativity. It can include activities like journaling, praying, physical exercises, playing musical instruments or meditating. These tasks can nourish their emotional well-being by providing them with a chance to express their deep-rooted wounded feelings. There are certain safety measures that also need to be taken into consideration like contact information of organizations and services that help those who are trapped in such cases. A preventive measure like altering locks and phone numbers can also be carried out in severe cases. Therapy as a process can also help where clients are validated and provided with possible assignments that guide them stepwise to detach themselves from the bond and develop a better self-identity. Psychoeducation also is a method of management that spreads awareness among the public about the toxic signs of relationships and also outlines the signs of ideal healthy relationships where there is mutual respect, understanding and love without conditions.
Although traumatic bonds can be dissolved with the help and support of the community, it is absolutely essential for the victims to realize that it is inappropriate to tolerate a series of maltreatment and they also need to understand the importance of raising their voices against stressful relationships that questions their worth and threatens their very psychological existence.
– Urveez Kakalia and Debanjana Banerjee.