“It is time for parents to teach young people that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.”
– Maya Angelou.
This would be the most suitable quote for our article today. Maya Angelou, a renowned American poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist believed that children should learn to celebrate their own differences and those of people around them. Her words remind us that attitudes about race, sexuality and religion begin at home. Today we will focus on attitudes about sexuality and guidelines for parents on how to respond when their children come out to them. It is not hard to think about the difficulties that linger within an individual as they piece together their sexual identity in a world which labels the LGBTQIA+ community as abhorrent. They feel vulnerable, scared, confused and most of all misplaced. Every individual experiences the feeling of belongingness, for the first time in their life, through their family. This is the feeling that every child wants to experience as they make the decision to come out to their family. They do not want to feel lost, alone or detached, no matter what their age is. Reactions of the family members can make all the difference for an individual on their journey to understand who they are.
According to Regine Muradian, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist, “Parents are key in helping children process their feelings around their sexual identity and gender identity. When kids feel parental support, they feel safe opening up and sharing their feelings. With parental and community support there are many positive outcomes to their overall mental health.”
Everyone’s identity is a puzzle, each piece counts and when even one piece is missing, an individual forever tries to fill that empty space. Oftentimes this missing piece makes all the difference between an individual who has a healthy relationship with who they are physically and mentally, their partners, friends, family and someone who faces an identity crisis. The repercussions of parental rejection can be worse. Dr. Caitlin Ryan, the director of the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University, provided evidence through a study that young people with high levels of family rejection were eight times more likely to report having attempted suicide, nearly six times more likely to report high levels of depression, more than three times more likely to use drugs or have unprotected sex. Contrastingly, in another study, she found that family acceptance helps protect adolescents against suicidal behaviour, depression, and substance abuse. Young people with accepting families also report higher self-esteem, social support, and overall health. This shows how important the piece of the family is for the puzzle of one’s identity.
Firstly, we would like to share real-life accounts of children coming out to their parents.
1. Amiri Nash, in Providence, Rhode Island: “I was 13 years old and had spent a long time watching YouTube videos about what it meant to be gay and what it meant to come out. I started coming out to friends in online queer communities who helped me find the courage to eventually tell my parents. One night I typed out a realy long message to them on my iPad explaining that I was gay and that I was sorry, I tried to change, this is just who I am. I locked my door and tried to get under my bed. Two minutes later my dad had picked the lock. They came in and started hugging me and told me they still loved me and accepted me no matter what. I was still their son.”
2. Aditya Joshi, Mumbai, Maharashtra: “I came out to my parents in 2012. They were surprised, and scared about my future, and did not know what being gay really meant. They consulted a mental health professional, talked to my brother and his wife (who are supportive of me) and scanned the Internet. With time, their acceptance of my sexuality increased. After I came out to them, the fears in my mind about being gay began to disappear. If my parents knew, I had no one else to fear! I started coming out to people. I could focus on my academics better. I also started organising events for Saathi IIT Bombay, the LGBTQ support group at IIT Bombay. I feel that coming out to my parents was the best thing I did in my life!”
3. Tyler Ho-Yin Sit, Minneapolis, Minnesota: “I grew up in a mostly conservative suburb, as a closeted gay Asian kid. It was the summer between eighth and ninth grade. My mom was getting ready for work and I sat her down and said, “I’m gay.” It was one of those moments I will never forget, that feeling of saying something that you know you can never unsay. My mom was very supportive and accepting. She said, “Yeah, I kind of had suspicions.” It was not a huge surprise. She encouraged me to tell my dad, who’s an immigrant from Hong Kong and grew up with a different understanding of sexuality and family. I told him and he nodded thoughtfully and said, “But, how do you know?” And I said, “How do you know you are straight,” And he said, “Okay, that makes sense to me.” And that was the end of the conversation.”
For every 3 stories we read which showed parents accepting their children, we found 3 other stories in which parents had a hard time understanding who their children were. Many parents even though it was a crime and forced their children to find a ‘cure’ for this disease. Some parents found it easier to completely avoid the topic and distance themselves from their children. The process of coming out to one’s parents is the hardest challenge for many people across the globe.
There are a few extremely important guidelines that parents must keep in mind when their children come out to them.
- Parents must listen without interrupting or arguing. More often than not there are several questions that arise in the minds of parents trying to understand when they started feeling like this, how many people they may have told and so on. The parents may be genuinely concerned or just curious, but by simply listening to their child many of the questions fade away.
- They must show acceptance and unconditional love to the child from the moment they come out. When parents express verbally that their child is safe with them along with physical actions of hand-holding, embracing or even a simple hand over the shoulder can ease the process of coming out for the child.
- Parents must not invalidate the experience by using phrases such as “it’s just a phase” or “you are just confused” especially if your child is young. Such reactions not only demotivate the child but also create anger and frustration within the child and between the family.
- Parents must ask their children about what kind of support they need. This may be for coming out to other family members or with friends, problems in relationships and even looking for avenues for mental health support. They must emphasise and assure the child that they are there for them in any way possible.
- Parents must not hesitate to ask questions after their child is done expressing themselves. Many parents, especially within cultures similar to India do not even understand sexuality in a way other than heterosexuality. The importance of communication and educating oneself regarding this is extremely vital for parents.
Coming out to anyone is an extremely personal experience and in the case of coming out to your parents, the process is even more fragile. Negative reactions can have a lasting impression on the individual. We believe that in this journey the most important guide for any parent is empathy. By putting yourself in your child’s shoes you can make the effort to understand and connect with your child on a deeper level with regards to identity, love and life.
– Urveez Kakalia and Ferangiz Hozar.